Seeing as I’m going to be spending some quality time staring at the tube for the next couple of weeks while the Euro 2004 championships are underway, here are a couple of notes I’d like Czech TV’s announcers to keep in mind, with Sorry Magazine’s “Kyselá Prdel” as my inspiration:

1. “We” are not playing the game. “We” – “you” the announcer and “I” the viewer – are watching the game. “We” get to hoot and holler when a great play is made. “We” do not have an effect on a team’s success or failure. So please stop using “we” and “us” to describe the Czech football team. Otherwise “I” will personally have to start watching DSF or some other channel’s coverage instead.

2. Czech TV commentators should get a smack for each time they use the phrase “standardní situace.” Anybody who can explain to me how a “standardní situace” is different from a “nestandardní situace” will gain my undying respect and gratitude.

3. Post-game interviews are excruciatingly boring. “Well, we just went out there to play, and we gave it the best we could…” To liven things up, bring in a translator to translate what they’re saying into Finnish or Dutch.